Outlining the Essay -- Take 2

• I wanted to get a divorce.
• I wanted it because I wasn't happy. I got married right out of college and after I moved 2,000 miles from my entire family. I was afraid of the future and clinged onto my college boyfriend. I didn't think I would find anyone else, so I wanted to get married. Right away. What I didn't realize as a senior in college was that I still had a lot of growing up and developing to do. The person I was in college was not the person I was two years later. The real world helped me see what else was out there (in terms of friendships, relationships, work/career and life in general). I realized that my wants/needs were changing and his were not. I wasn't happy and it was because I wasn't happy being who we were in college when we weren't in college anymore.
• To get it, I had to stand my ground and follow my heart.
• However, something got in my way: My family. They didn't understand it. Maybe I didn't explain it well. Either way, they thought I was crazy and ridiculous. They thought I was throwing away a great thing. Don't get me wrong, he was a wonderful person (and still is), but he was not the person I was meant to be with and I knew it. Sadly, I didn't realize it before we got married and for that I will always feel horrible about. I wish I hadn't been in such a rush.
• I had to try something different, so I talked to my friends and saw a counselor to work through my thoughts and feelings. Having an outsider guiding me through this difficult time really helped me sort through all of the thoughts and emotions swirling through my head.
• All the time I was thinking that this isn't how I imagined my life. I was also thinking that my family would stop talking to me because well, they shelled out a lot of money for the wedding and also they probably thought I was making a big mistake that they didn't support.
• The turning point came after talking to my Granma on the phone. I remember the day like it was yesterday - I was driving down a heavily tree-lined road and it was pouring down rain. It's ironic that as rain streamed across my windshield, I was wiping tears that were rolling down my face. Don't get me wrong, my Granma didn't understand my decision or I was feeling - I remember he saying that her generation didn't do things this way and that in today's world, people just change their mind all the time and it's OK. But the turning point came when she told me that she would love me no matter what and that I was a big girl and this was my life. Her opinion is one that I regard highly and to hear her say she would still be there reassured me that those around me who love me will always love me, regardless of this kind of decision.
• When that happened, I realized that I was a grown up and I didn't need anyone's approval. I needed to follow my heart and live with the consequences. I couldn't ask my mom and dad to make the decision for me - I was the one left with whatever the outcome was. And I was finally OK with that. I had to stop living in fear of what others would think of me, no matter how unhappy I was. I finally felt like a grown up and had control of my life for the first time. 
• After that I told him that I didn't want to be married anymore. It was a difficult time, not only because it's sad to see something good break, but because I hated knowing that I was breaking his heart - and it wasn't because of anything he did or didn't do. It was me. But it was either hold it in now and take the easy way (and have it blow up years down the road), or listen to my heart and leap into my future alone. It was one of the hardest times in my life, but I learned so much about myself, my friends and my family. I sorted through what I wanted out of life and where I wanted to go. And in the process, I met my soulmate - I am now in a relationship where I am 100 percent committed and still feel like an individual with my own opinions and I feel like a grown up individual.

Outlining the Essay -- Take 1

• I wanted to be more in control and confident with my second child.
• I wanted it because the first time around, I was overwhelmed with being a mom. I watched the clock constantly every afternoon, waiting for my husband to come home and save me from myself - save me from the anxiety and sadness I felt. And most importantly, save me from the guilt that comes with not loving life as a new mom.  I wasn't confident and I wasn't happy like I had expected, based upon the images of motherhood I've seen on TV and in movies and heard about from other moms. I was on antidepressants which helped me feel a little better, but figured this is what it felt to be a new mom.
• To get it, I had to believe in myself and be confident that I had done this one time already, so I already knew the ropes.
• However, something got in my way: PPD. I now realized that the first time around, I wasn't just struggling because I was a new mom. I was struggling because I was suffering from PPD. And it hit me again with my second.
• I had to try something different, so I immediately talked to my doctor. It was the first full day in the hospital after an easy delivery and around 4 p.m., I felt the tears welling up behind my eyes. We were watching "Friends" so it didn't make sense as to why I was all of a sudden feeling overwhelmed and sad. And my mind flashed back to those first weeks with CJ and the anxiousness that consumed me at this time every day. It was back. But after talking to my doctor and telling my family and friends from the get-go about my feelings, I had a wonderful support network. Not that I didn't have that before, but I was ashamed before because I thought I wasn't being a good mom. But this time, I recognized that this was my hormones. Not something I had control of. When I told my doctor that I felt silly for feeling this way, he said "That's like saying you feel silly for having the flu." This time I accepted that this was PPD and something out of my control. 
• All the time I was thinking that this isn't going to go away, even though it went away the first time.  I was enduring the sad days and anxiety-ridden afternoons and taking a pill every morning. It seemed to be taking over the essence of my being - I thought I was going to be like this forever. My birthday was during this weepy time and my husband was asking me what I wanted for a gift and all I could think of and tell him through my blubbering was that I wanted to be happy. I wanted to stop crying. And I wanted to love my baby.
• The turning point came after about four weeks of medicine and one wonderful smile from my little girl. 
• When that happened, I realized that this was PPD (a light version) and I wasn't failing as a mom - with either kid. I also realized that all of this frustration, sleep-deprivation and feelings of being overwhelmed were only temporary, but the light of my life - my children - were forever. Their smiles, belly laughs, cuddling, developmental milestones and innocence absolutely outweighed all of the struggles. In fact, those struggles, the anxiety and sadness, have made me love and cherish the joyous moments that much more. 
• After that I did my best to stop questioning every decision and stop watching the clock, and instead, trust my instincts as a mother and enjoy the time I have with her before I have to go back to work and ship her off to daycare.