Outlining the Essay -- Take 1

• I wanted to be more in control and confident with my second child.
• I wanted it because the first time around, I was overwhelmed with being a mom. I watched the clock constantly every afternoon, waiting for my husband to come home and save me from myself - save me from the anxiety and sadness I felt. And most importantly, save me from the guilt that comes with not loving life as a new mom.  I wasn't confident and I wasn't happy like I had expected, based upon the images of motherhood I've seen on TV and in movies and heard about from other moms. I was on antidepressants which helped me feel a little better, but figured this is what it felt to be a new mom.
• To get it, I had to believe in myself and be confident that I had done this one time already, so I already knew the ropes.
• However, something got in my way: PPD. I now realized that the first time around, I wasn't just struggling because I was a new mom. I was struggling because I was suffering from PPD. And it hit me again with my second.
• I had to try something different, so I immediately talked to my doctor. It was the first full day in the hospital after an easy delivery and around 4 p.m., I felt the tears welling up behind my eyes. We were watching "Friends" so it didn't make sense as to why I was all of a sudden feeling overwhelmed and sad. And my mind flashed back to those first weeks with CJ and the anxiousness that consumed me at this time every day. It was back. But after talking to my doctor and telling my family and friends from the get-go about my feelings, I had a wonderful support network. Not that I didn't have that before, but I was ashamed before because I thought I wasn't being a good mom. But this time, I recognized that this was my hormones. Not something I had control of. When I told my doctor that I felt silly for feeling this way, he said "That's like saying you feel silly for having the flu." This time I accepted that this was PPD and something out of my control. 
• All the time I was thinking that this isn't going to go away, even though it went away the first time.  I was enduring the sad days and anxiety-ridden afternoons and taking a pill every morning. It seemed to be taking over the essence of my being - I thought I was going to be like this forever. My birthday was during this weepy time and my husband was asking me what I wanted for a gift and all I could think of and tell him through my blubbering was that I wanted to be happy. I wanted to stop crying. And I wanted to love my baby.
• The turning point came after about four weeks of medicine and one wonderful smile from my little girl. 
• When that happened, I realized that this was PPD (a light version) and I wasn't failing as a mom - with either kid. I also realized that all of this frustration, sleep-deprivation and feelings of being overwhelmed were only temporary, but the light of my life - my children - were forever. Their smiles, belly laughs, cuddling, developmental milestones and innocence absolutely outweighed all of the struggles. In fact, those struggles, the anxiety and sadness, have made me love and cherish the joyous moments that much more. 
• After that I did my best to stop questioning every decision and stop watching the clock, and instead, trust my instincts as a mother and enjoy the time I have with her before I have to go back to work and ship her off to daycare.